The Amityville Horror (2005)
While the movie made almost no impression on me whatsoever, I kept getting the feeling that the most annoyed potential viewer will not be anyone who worships the original (which I have not seen), but rather, Paul W. Anderson, director of Event Horizon, which used to hold the record for the most loud noise scares and music jump close-ups before this remake. I don’t know when it happened, but I somehow became immune to the artificial overpowering soundtrack boost, and so when this kept happening every 30 seconds, I had no reaction. Though, no one else in the audience seemed to, not even the two 4 year old children in front of me.
The only thing I enjoyed was the moment where the babysitter is trapped in the closet and the little dead girl makes her put her finger in the shotgun created hole in her head and all of Ryan Reynolds’ line readings. He needs to find his way out of dreck like this and Van Wilder and into something that shows off his skills. I suggest a vehicle for the only movie stars working in Hollywood today with as much screen presence, both of whom have been trapped in the doldrums of type casting recently. Laugh if you must, but a robust, over the top, silly action/comedy starring Reynolds, George Clooney, and The Rock, playing to each of their strengths, would be fantastic empty entertainment.
In terms of Reynolds, his chiseled physique in Amityville seemed a little out of place for a low rent building contractor in the 1970’s, but I guess they had to focus on something apart from Melissa George’s buckteeth. She has a great body, but clearly Olivia D’Abo was unavailable.